I Would Like To Leave This City

400
I actually love this photo more that my life.
Another thing I love is "Half The World Away" by Oasis (best song ever).
But I can't say that I love life right now.
Even if it is my beloved 400th post.

I've been confused for the past few years. It's safe to say that I've gotten used to it now. That doesn't change the fact that I hate this feeling and I hate how I'm living.

When we're young, people try to convince us that maturity is the most fantastic thing in our lives. But adulthood is highly associated with problems and decisions.

Every once in a while I hear my mum telling me that she'd like to have a quick getaway to forget her problems. I always understood the theory behind such a trip but only now do I realise just how badly I need an adventure like that myself.

I'm on the edge of 16 and I can't seem to control most things in my life. My phone is broken, my internet dreams are falling apart, my pockets are empty, my ambitions fleeing... it seems as though I'm falling into the void of breakdowns and I have no idea how to fix it.

Lately, the idea of running away somewhere has been comforting me. I only imagine myself on the journey to a far away land where I start working for minimum wage and conquering new obstacles with every new day. Unfortunately, I am aware that my thoughts are heavily idealised. 

I feel locked in my house. I want to leave but even the thought of doing so terrifies me. My room is a constant mess. Everything irritates me and I still haven't given my grandparents presents for grandparents' day. I'm a mess and I have no idea how to save myself.

It's already March. March 11th. I'm supposed to be in a different place according to my 'life plan'. Why am I stuck? Why is it that I can't draw a present but I feel like escaping to France?

People ask me why I don't laugh a lot. Every second of every day I'm thinking about what I'm going to do. It's hard to smile when your whole future is weighing on the decisions you're supposed to be making. 

The Sun is shining from behind. My back is facing the window. The beautiful weather sickens me. I prefer it when it's cold and it rains.

Yesterday I felt sick. I opened the balcony at 2 am and sat in the cold for a few minutes, breathing in the adequate air.

I was just cleaning my room but I decided to sit right back down and write more. I want to film someone but I have no willing actors. I wand to speak to someone but I have no way of reaching them. I would like to share my creativity but the line is cut off. I'm once again stuck inside these brick walls, shading the light and killing my will to fight.

I'm terrified of the world behind me. It hates me. It enjoys tripping me over.

But I am able to forget it. Just by listening or singing one simple song...

-i can hear the warning signs 
running around my mind-

love, gab

2 comments:

  1. Hi Gabby. I know that this is kind of an old post but I've recently been on the internet more and just came across your blog again.

    The thought of going somewhere other than where you are now seems interesting (I can't even count how many times I've made a list of places to go to while sitting in a lesson!) It's a nice thing to think of, a dream, even. So hold onto them and think of them whenever you feel trapped. I'd love to know where you want to travel by the way!

    Also, you could try writing. I know that when I get stressed, writing helps me escape to somewhere new. Reading works as well!

    Just remember that you can always message me anytime you need me. I'm always here... in a non-creepy way, that is!

    - Caitlin xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Caitlin, I am so lucky to have met you. You and all your greatness, the whole package. Please write more too, I always love reading your words. I hate not having time to read them, however knowing that there is something waiting for me after my exams, homework etc. is always extremely uplifting. Thank you for being here and I will make sure to give you a detailed list of all the places I would escape to soon heehee. And remember that I'm also here for you... in both the creepy and non-creepy way.
      -Gabby xxx

      Delete

 

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