What's The Point?

looking back to old drafts and applying them to the present time
everything written in [square brackets] is written by the present me

I have very big stress issues [still very true]. I try to do everything that I should do all the time. This makes me an easy target for... everyone, actually. Bully me here, tease me there, manipulate me everywhere... I'll just crawl under your command. It takes too long for me to stand up and when I try to, the people who want power over me try to finish my whole existence [also very true; the saddest thing behind this is that I know how many people go through similar or worst things, I'm a target due to my weak mental stability, something I can't change by myself]. Most of the times it gets pretty close.

I've never been one to criticism or hate. I've always tried to defend others, thus making myself a target [no matter the cost, it's very important to help, one day you're going to need that help yourself and the universe won't give it to you]. This leads to the problems I have today. The fact that I don't want to get out of bed, that I don't want to eat or sleep or do anything for that matter [a couple weeks ago I read an article about other forms of self harm other than self harm. These acts, that I was and still am doing, are in a way acts of self harm. You must take care of yourself, you are worth something, in fact you are worth EVERYTHING, don't let the world torture you].

Everything seems like a privilege to me, not a right. People often think I want to be treated this way. What's nice about getting tossed around like trash? Not much actually. Every time I do ANYTHING that someone from my 'friends' could see, I think how they could turn it around and I'm absolutely terrified of the outcome [this, young Gabby, is called anxiety. I hate living in the time where I'm afraid of what people can put against me. In some way this is also what celebrities have to deal with... think about it]. I think of the comments they could leave. I think of the way they could ruin something so beautiful to me. I think of every bad thing they could make me read that I will remember and believe for the rest of my life. It's inescapable, mostly because the problem isn't bored with me. I'm not a wealthy character [you're perfect just the way you are]. The richest thing you can get out of me is my pain [it's only treasure to the bullies]. I guess that's why people love seeing me hurt.

And even now, writing this, I keep thinking about how someone is going to say that I'm all over myself and how I'm the only one that matters [ah, people love screwing others over]. And I just don't know what to do about it. I would run to the end of the earth but they'd still find me. I honestly believe that. I don't think I can ever escape what this has now come to. Defending myself - I become the attacker. I'm scared and confused and I don't want to be alone.

[You are not alone. Ever. Look around and notice your surroundings. Reach out if you're lonely. There are so many places you can go, don't fret. And if you feel like letting go, leaving - please don't. It may seem easier to just go, but all in all you do in fact only live once. There will be no reincarnation. You will not return as another human being. Or a rabbit. Death is the only thing that's inevitable in our lives. The rest is uncertain. And since it's uncertain, it means it changeable. You can change your future. Just don't end it too quickly, evolve it. I believe in you. I am here for you. You are never alone, remember that. And whenever you feel like putting yourself through some horrendous acts, think of this post. Think of me. Think of your surroundings. And think that instead of hurting yourself you're hurting the entire world. You're hurting me, your family, your friends, the strangers you long to befriend. Don't put yourself through it. Your future is changeable, don't let it end too fast.]

love, gabby


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