Solving The Problem

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How nice it is to be eternally locked up in your emotions, don't you think?

Ah, I honestly don't know who to blame for being stuck like this... Blaming myself seems pointless since I literally can't handle what I think, blaming others sounds even more pointless... and now I'm blaming the theory of being temporary since I can't find any actual culprit.

I am completely stuck.

Stuck.

Glued to right now, right here... but only mentally. Physically I'm fine, in fact I'm better than fine - I've started dancing again, I'm planning to go ice skating again and I'm currently on a good road towards doing the splits. But mentally I am completely stuck. Not only am I stuck, but I'm also lost because all of my friends seemed to have passed me already. So I'm the only one left in this abyss of uncertainty, unsure what to do next.

I kept going on and on about how 2016 was the most fantastic year regarding friendships and that's true. However, I am someone who adapts themselves to their surroundings so seeing others unhappy results in me feeling the same way. Not only that but because of my mental instability, I am constantly uncertain if my friends actually like me and I tend to read into their words too much. Let's just put it as it is - I feel terribly, terribly alone. ALONE, not lonely - there's a big difference there.

Another thing is my constant lack of motivation. Blah, blah, blah... another person about how they don't have motivation to do anything. As much as that is true, let me shed some of my special, individual light on this. You see, this isn't the normal 'lack of motivation' that I usually have. It's the complete disappearance of all reasons why I should do something.

I honestly can't see a single thing in my life that could possibly make me happy. Even a couple days ago I thought that love would be a savior, but now even that seems impossible. Art, my creations, friendships, school, my future as a whole are all completely lost. And of course, given that these elements all work together to form me - I'm lost too.

Writing has always been one of those few things that allowed me to free my feelings but (as you may have guessed) while writing I also keep being bugged by those "why?" thoughts. To be completely honest, all I want to do right now is to go somewhere completely new and ice skate. That is my dream, my insanely unrealistic dream.

I'm also going to mention that I have been under a lot of stress, so the overdose of stress may have caused this mental breakdown. I'm not sure where to step from this. I'm feeling low, to say the least.

love, gabby

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