There Are Days Like These

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Safe to say that I had an extremely panicky day.

Sometimes I enter really deep and dark thoughts about how to make people care about me by pulling all of the attention on me in several ways. And no, these aren't good ways.

Sometimes I snap out of it and I say to myself how it's all okay and fine but the amount of times I have imagined fainting in my class and people actually helping me for once? Too many for sure. But sometimes I just don't and my mind wanders around these solutions which I subconsciously know aren't good.

It's not just my classmates and teachers, it's my family too. Oh jeez, how lonely do I feel when I am with my family. I may as well be sitting alone.

I try not to think about things in a sad way but sometimes I would really like feel a hug. Oh my, when was the last time somebody hugged me? Ugh...

Am I sad? NOOOOO, NOT AT ALL! I HAVEN'T BEEN HAVING REALLY BAD THOUGHTS THROUGH THESE LAST FEW DAYS NOOO. Oh, okay then.

That's pretty much what I feel every conversation has been like lately. That is of course, if anyone actually asks if I'm sad in the first place.

I feel so disappointed, like nothing is going right. Why did depression have to come for me again? Haven't I fed it enough?

I'm so terribly lonely.
I'm regretting a little thing that I could've done but didn't do.
I'm regretting wasting my day.
I'm regretting not doing my homework or editing my video (I'm editing now).
I'm thinking about how amazing my videos would be if anybody would help me film them.
I'm thinking about how I was promised to do something "like we used to" a couple months ago but yeah...
I'm thinking about how most of my day I'm sitting alone in my closed, dark room.
I'm wondering about how the last person who wrote to me asked what homework we have.
I'm wondering about how my best friends haven't really written to me.
I'm wondering about how most things people promise me don't work out.
Why is this? Why am I so down? Does nobody care, at all? Who am I? I'm just so sad.
Now I'm thinking about how I have to memorise a text for tomorrow.
And how I didn't do anything I promised myself I'd do in the weekend.
And how I haven't eaten dinner.
And how I magically have insecurities again.
And how still, nobody cares.
And how I would rather sit alone at school, so I could have time for everything and no-one would distract me.
And how I keep losing my breath when I panic.
And how I want to cry so much but I can't.
And how I'm pouring myself out right now, but I know that nobody will care.
And how people will tell me "that's nothing, I've felt worse".
And how I don't care because this is my pain and it's severe!

And how sometimes, I just want people to care. I say "nobody loves me" often because when I am contemplating my life, there is no-one to talk me out of it. I'm just left with myself and I'm not good at being a path for myself. Sometimes I dream of being ill, even though I know I shouldn't, and I think about if if I only had a little time left, people would care. Or will they still be selfish individuals?

Does anything make sense? Do I have to be so unhappy? My word, I've never written anything for this long. What if I did, I did bring attention? Save me from myself, please.

Love, GABBY
Or whoever is writing this post.

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