Cancelling Plans

Unfortunately, I am a person who is used to cancelling what I have planned for the day. This usually includes things I look up to, things involving leaving my bed and house. It can be from me going running in the morning to me meeting up with a bunch of my friends from my old school. I partly blame anxiety.

It's not like I don't want to go, although sometimes I really don't. Most of the time I just make up some excuse to, in a way, punish myself for God knows what. I don't just do this with plans. Sometimes I will deliberately order food I don't like in a restaurant, tell my mum I don't want to go to some camp which I actually want to attend or tell my friends that I totally won't mind something, when I know I will. It's like I'm purposely digging my own grave...

Yes, I did it again today. This looks better than what I said a minute ago though, just slightly better. I have many problems with people. I am scared of them, to say the least. I like people a lot, it's just that the old people, people from the old schools don't know me as well as they used to and I don't know them well either. I tend to block out people who I find poisonous for me. If they were, if they are... no matter what, if they've ever held venom closed to me I will build a wall between us. And people who I don't remember or associate with bad things, I do the same to them. And it's just to those kind of people who I said 'I can't' to today. Sorry.



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